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14 posts

Ode to Saren

I just got a call from Saren’s husband.

                She’s dead.

Which is why she hasn’t answered my phone calls these last number of months.

A nasty fall. A broken hip. A decline. Hospice. The plight of so many older women.

                My dear Saren.

I’ve been flashing on bits of our past ever since.

The nights out after one or another’s most recently failed relationship.

The Vision Quests in the wilderness of the Cascades.

The deep understanding.

The capacity for listening that is so rare.

And the night she sat on the side of my ed and asked bluntly: “Would you be OK if I was in this relationship you are in – going through what you are?”

Which proved to be the pivotal words that sank in and turned me around – and out – of an abusive, oppressive relationship that was dragging me into a perpetual mire that I really was stuck in.

                Saren.

Why am I sharing all this?  With my horror of exposing vulnerabilities?

Because. Believer me.  Really and truly – for each and every person you love – there will be a last thing you will have said to them.

Best to presume each thing might be that last one thing.

Aging Poem

The recent workshop I led on “Aging as a Spiritual Practice” was so delightful. The shared wisdom in the group reverberated. I realized how very much I love sharing time with elders who are invested in growing in self-understanding – and to do this as a group was delicious.

I wrote a poem, on the back of a slip of paper – sort of a tongue-in-cheek bit of humor. A couple of folks asked me for a copy of it afterward — so I’ll share it with you, too. Perhaps you’ll enjoy the humor — and understand! – also.

Coming together –
all the loose shards of my life.
What to call this?
“Retirement” hardly
     seems to qualify.
 
Although I do seem to be
     tired, a lot.
 
Memories, in part,
   the fragments of my mind
drifting through hazy, lazy days
    in a sometimes frenzy.
 
Wanderings, a fair bit,
      the mind wondering what –
if anything – might motivate me
      to put in time
- and energy – to “step up to the plate,”
“volunteer,” “pay back” (whatever
does that even mean?)
 
I do seem to be
     tired, a lot.
 
Curious, still,
   what the day and days
will hold.
   Grateful, often
for deeper and deepening
   relations.
 
With those I’ve known
and are still meeting.
   Awestruck at
the way the changing
light of the seasons
   glint off the old log pile
in the back.
 
That can’t be new –
    yet –
to me, it is.
 
  What is left, then –
without the alarm
propelling me into the
busy days of
   clinic-life?
 
“Re-tired”
     OK,
  Well.
Let’s just see
where these new
treads will go.
 
   

Forgiveness

Forgiveness.  We know it matters, but golly it can be hard to do. Most religious traditions focus on forgiveness as an essential part of the spiritual path, but it matters for our personal health, too.  Beyond the obvious discomfort we experience from an inner roiling diatribe, it is literally hard on the heart.  “Held-in hostility” has been linked to heart attacks, and difficulty healing if we have one.

The challenge, of course, is that though we may be willing to forgive, we can’t will it to happen.  There are things that can help: realizing we are only hurting ourselves can help shift the inner tide. Turning the whole mess over to a Higher Power to deal with justly (and letting go of our idea of what justice should be) helps.  Finding ways in our own lives we have been less than perfect along similar lines as the offender is a good thought process.

I created a CD with a guided imagery to help this process. In the name of contributing to a positive spin in the world right now, I am giving these away free of charge. (I do ask, please for postage).  If you or someone you know could benefit from this, please do take one – and pass it on.

I am sincerely hoping this may contribute to good.  And chime in on the comments if you have added thoughts, suggestions, helpful advice for us all.