I feel time passing.
May I yet know the Truth.
And may it set me free.
Free of the mind that chatters.
The thoughts that chain.
The beliefs that bruise
the very soul of this mortal life.
May I be free of it all.
Unencumbered by hate,
By the violence of my own mind.
Free of greed and fear and jealousy
That speak of a small quivering heart.
Free of it all.
May I be open and graceful,
Grace filled and – free.
Finally, truly – free.
Amen.
Forgiveness is such an enormous field of possibility.
I recently went through the trials of dealing with an understaffed, for-profit hospital system as I tried to keep my husband alive when his heart was failing. For huge segments of time, I lived in the free-fall of not knowing if he would make it.
All of it seemingly preventable – if only there was a functioning and responsive system.
I caught myself sliding down the chute of churning resentment at the inept, greedy, “all about money at all cost to the patient” “health-care” system. I might even be right about that assessment. But the bilious acid in my stomach was a sign of my own inner working gone awry.
And this is where forgiveness enters into all this. Because – the reality is – this is the system we have here. To not fight reality is a deep form of forgiveness.
To forgive does not mean “do nothing.” To do the best possible, given what is true in any moment, keeps us on track for right action. Being assertive in the face of the resistance of the system is what kept my husband alive. But not arguing with reality in a frenzy of anger means that we allow “Thy Will Be Done” in the bigger scheme of things.
In the end (meaning – at the moment) it has worked out. He did get a pacemaker in time. He is still beside me on the couch as I write this. And I have a new magnitude of gratitude for the fact that this is so.
My husband will die someday. I’ve been granted a window of realizing what that will be like. A taste in advance. And meanwhile, accepting each moment as it shows up will likely keep me alive and well longer, too!
I’ve been using the FEAD technique a lot lately. This came to me in a meditation many years ago and has stood the test of time in my life. I find there is no limit and nothing too big to apply this to. Divine Grace can transform anything – any obstacle or concern we have – into an easy flow. I call this my “True Self”. It is the barnacles of confusion of our minds that distort an inner urge into a contorted concern. What do I mean by that? If we couple a natural and healthy impulse for fulfillment with a belief that is counter – such as “it is impossible” or “I am not worthy/deserving/capable” it creates an inner tension that is painful. To open this to Divine Grace is to allow for the possibility of something you have not yet been able to see from the contorted space. This allows for the fulfillment of the original desire because there is Space. Room to move, grow, expand, negotiate, fulfill.
FEAD yourself differently. Here’s what I mean:
1) Face it: Whatever is troubling you; wherever you feel the tension, anxiety or pain inside – pause right there and see if you can get a deeper, more full sense of this place in you. Relax all around it and let it be. Face it squarely, with full permission to be there just as it is. Approach this place of discomfort with a sincere curiosity. There is something awry here, in this which is you, and you want to know at a deeper level what that is. Amazingly, as we do this, there is safety around a part of us which has historically felt rejected, shut off and abandoned. Simply because we approach this area of ourselves and lives with interest, the pain often begins to abate.
2) Embrace it: Go one step further. Approach this place of pain and offer it loving acceptance. Let it be there with the full understanding that pain requires kindness, not rejection. Treat it as if it were a hurting child. In many ways, it is. The healing begins here. As that which has been rejected feels itself being pulled back into the fold of the living with your warm embrace, it instantly begins to relax in a way that is uniquely healing and nurturing.
3) Allow Space for it: As you continue to breathe deeply, embracing that which is hurting, begin to loosen your grip somewhat. Give it permission to be there and simply allow space for it. Not the space of abandonment in which you turn your back on this part of you which is suffering – but a warm fully loving and safe space. Compassionate space. Within you, develop the capacity to love each part so much that there is room to breathe, be and evolve. This means dropping the self-criticisms and judgments which have been aggravating the problem all this time. It means allowing room for change where in the past you may have begun a cycle of self-punishment. Try this: just focus all your attention on breathing into a compassionate space around the area of pain. And watch with gentle curiosity.
4) invite Divine Grace: A last important step in this process is to invite an awareness that surpasses what you have known to be possible to this point into the picture. We want to change old repeating patterns that have caused you and others harm. Sometimes this means not only allowing space, but inviting new ideas to enter into that space. Whatever your belief system, invoke that which is beyond what you currently know to be possible. This expands the space into dimensions of possibility that your conscious mind has not yet realized, and is the basis for deep and lasting change of what has heretofore been a stuck place in your life.
