MaryAnn Iyer, MD | Blog

Power Over

Ego

This is an excerpt from a book I am currently writing:

Although this book focuses on the differences women and men experience in training our egos along gender lines, I want to make clear that the biggest factor needing attention is the mental structure behind this training. There are many clear biological differences between males and females. Only women bear children. Men are usually physically stronger. Our capabilities are inherently skewed differently.

This variability is not a problem, in and of itself. The challenge that faces us as a species and as individuals lies in the framework by which we define worth. For quite some time, in most cultures and religions, there are massive inequalities in what we define as having value that tend to fall along gender lines. In most cultures and nearly all religions, women are framed as objects owned by men – somewhat like cattle or houses. But this is representative of a deeper value system going on. There is what could be called a “Power-over” mentality that shows up not just in gender pools. Corporations are seen as entities with “rights” equal to or greater than the individual humans who populate and sustain them. Financial “entities” are granted assistance that human individuals are denied. Governments claim the right to own their citizens, and control them accordingly. Individuals (usually men) who have money are seen as not only more privileged, but superior in every way to those who have less.

This “power-over” mentality leads to oppression and suppression of what could be considered the feminine, if we define feminine as being the values of cooperation, nurturance and respect for all life. That which is soft, yielding and which loves. This is not just a gender-based value-system, but it is true that women have been recognized to harbor these values at a deeper level simply due to our inherent gender differences, and it is true that women have been debased as a gender along these lines. Being soft or yielding is construed as being weak. Emotions are relegated to an inferior role as less than mental acuity. An authentic expression of grief or sadness is discounted as a “pity party”. When someone cries, it may be that they are “just feeling sorry for themselves”. It may also be that they are giving vent to genuine grief, needing expression.

These sorts of judgments are made by both men and women, but decry the full range of our existence and capabilities. Emotional intelligence has gone missing for the sake of intellectual. IQ is defined as the basis for all intelligence, and only that which is logical is deemed of any worth. An intuitive, heart-centric way of life is considered frilly at best; stupid by some.

What needs to change is for the sake of both men and women. This is not about replacing men with women in positions of power. It is about changing the entire power matrix to disallow power-over oppression – under any condition or by any excuse. No living entity can be seen as “less-than” in the matrix of life for us to have the profound shift we need in our consciousness to heal what ails us as a species at this time.

MindBody Medicine

Mindbody Medicine – notes from a recent talk by Dr. Iyer

I. Mindbody Medicine: What is it?
II. How does this relate to me in my life?
III. What are some useful Mindbody tools I can use to be healthier and happier?

MindBody Medicine:

If you’ve ever felt the stress of running late to an appointment, you’ve experienced the visceral impact of the mindbody connection. There are several layers in which our thoughts influence our wellbeing. We estimate, right now, that roughly 80% of what ails us, particularly in this culture, has to do with lifestyle choices. Hans Selye made the expression, “fight-or-flight response” famous in the ‘70s. There is little doubt any more that perceived stress has an influence on the body. We each have our own unique way of reacting when we feel anxious. Science continues to catch up to our common wisdom: the way we think, what we believe, and our fears and anxieties affect our wellbeing. And they affect it through what are now well documented chemical pathways: hormones, stress reactions, and our immune system. Our sense of wellbeing and the entire internal chemical milieu of our bodies are modulated by our response to perceived stress.

How does this relate to me in my life?

There are practical ways to bring the wisdom of Mindbody connections in to our daily lives. Noticing when and where you seem most often to experience stress in your life is an important first step. Linking situations with your physical response and experience gives you clues as to internal messages you may be telling yourself. For instance, in the above example of running late to an appointment, you can easily see that being late is, in and of itself, just a neutral event. If, however you are nervous about impressing the person with whom you are meeting, or you have a lot riding on this particular meeting, you will have all sorts of related messages running in your mind about the event. “If I’m late I might lose my assignment – or job – or, or –“). It is the response to our messages about an event that causes us to tense up in fear, anxiety or anger.

The second major thing to become aware of is what your actual body response is to these perceived threats. For some, tension always goes to the shoulders. For others, a migraine may develop. And so on. Learning to link events with what you are telling yourself with what your body does in response is the beginning key to breaking the cycle of unnecessary pain in your life.

Mind-Body Healing:

The final step in breaking the cycle of event-perception-messages-response is to choose a point in this dynamic and begin to undo it. Really, any point can work. We’ll briefly discuss each.

Event: if a situation is chronically stressful to you – can you change it? Be very honest here. We are seldom as stuck in a situation as we think we are. Make the changes you can.
Perception: is there any way that you are seeing only part of the picture? Are you sure your boss hates you? Is it possible his stress is making him temporarily a beast? Explore the edges of what might be different than what you think.
Messages: this is often the richest place to look. A good starting point to start to unearth this area is to diagram a sentence: If this happens, then this will happen, then this, then this – until you get to the conclusion that you are finding so odious. Then go back to that sentence and ask diligently at each step: “Do I actually, for sure, know this is true? Is it absolutely guaranteed? Is there a possible different way it could or might go? Do I have anything to do with it? Can I change any part of this formula?” Often the foregone conclusions we have in this regard reflect a past traumatic or unpleasant event that happened to us that our subconscious then records as the inevitable conclusion to anything that looks or feels similar. Spend some time at this stage. It is well worth the effort to free up a lot of energy in your life that may be bound up in false conclusions, and avoidance.
Response: another rich area. When we learn to disassociate an event or perception from a customary response, we have gained enormous freedom in our lives. Then and only then can we find true choice in HOW we respond to any given stimulus. That choice is there and it is ours, and when we awaken to the sequence in its entirety, we gain the freedom that Viktor Frankl described in his description of living in the Nazi Concentration camp – that no matter what constraints or punishment were meted out to him, he always remembered that he retained the choice in his reaction.

We each have a space of calm from which we can act, which provides a pervasive healing quality to our thoughts. Decisions made from within this framework tend to be healthier and more in balance. Mind-body integration therapy helps us remember this space of peace so we operate with awareness in our daily lives.

Healing Kindness

Kindness Mind-Body Healing

I was buying shoes the other day. The saleslady was so helpful! Kind, deep, present, engaged and interested in the life situation for which I was buying these shoes. Or at least she listened with patient kindness when I went on about it. I had the strongest urge to scooch over on my bench and pat the cushion next to me and ask her to sit for awhile. Just so I could enjoy her Presence a bit.

In my work as a physician, I have often gotten credit for being kind, especially when I have attended those through the last months of their lives. People say, “I couldn’t do that work.” I love being with people at the end of their lives because, oddly, that’s the time we most open up to be interested in matters of great import. I love being with people who get right down to being real without pretenses. Who are focused on sorting out at a deep level what the priorities of living really are, anyway. So, for me, this just happens to be an environment where it’s “accepted” that to focus on spiritual things is the norm. By spiritual, I mean “way-of-being” things – how have I been, what do I regret, what do I so wish I had done differently, what do I feel satisfied with?

Running the full scale of Kubler-Rossian emotions is part of demonstrating an authenticity that has often been obscured through a lifetime of niceness-to-fit-in. It seems that when we’re on the way out, we tend to get more “real” – maybe because fitting in on planet earth has abruptly become an obsolete concept.

Back to the woman at Belk. I love how she showed up. Standing there, with shoeboxes piled high, she was a living example of how you can be a healer any time, anywhere. This is important. You don’t have to be a physician or nurse to do this. Anyone can show up. Be present. Be kind.

My plea to you today is to do this. Because – you are a healer. No matter where you are or what you do. And we all need you.