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Three questions to ask yourself to be happy

change Happiness Inner Value Kindness Mind-Body Healing MindBody Medicine mindfulness Pssibilities

We live in a country in which our right to the pursuit of happiness is enshrined in our very constitution. Coopted by the advertising industry as a key-in to get us to buy more stuff, the concept of happiness has become glued to acquisitions.  But does that work?  Do more knick-knacks, cars, or hair gel make us happy?

I suggest three important questions to bore down more deeply into our happiness quotient:

1) What do I need?

Be realistic here.  What do you really need this very moment?  Beyond taking in your next breath what do you need – right now?  If we expand the question a little, you’d likely come up with such things as food, shelter, and so on.  The question then is not what kind of food, shelter, etc. you want.  It is – what do you need?  Keep it simple and basic and be very honest with yourself.  Usually, this list is pretty short.

2) What do I want?

Centering in and finding out what we want in any given circumstance is a good thing.  Knowing our preferences keeps us on track for our truest self when faced with choices.  The problem arises when we struggle with a set of wants against a backdrop of perpetual dissatisfaction.  If we think we can’t be happy until we get every single thing we want – we’re doomed to unhappiness.  Why? The list never ends. In case you haven’t noticed, every want is followed by the next. Our advertising industry thrives on this fact and does its best to insert whatever product they are marketing into the queue as “essential.”. 

3) What do I crave?

In like fashion, but amped up a notch, craving sets in when we work ourselves into a frenzy over what we really, really, really want – and thereby create an internal belief that a want is a definite need. Closely akin to all-out addiction, cravings leave us desperate for what we want.  And soon after the last “hit” wears off, the agitation starts up again.

The bottom line is that when we confuse wants and cravings as needs – and believe that what we want is essential, we create suffering for ourselves. 

Often, ironically, focusing on meeting true needs grants us a serenity that is only disrupted by agitating about not getting our wants met.  If we focus on first getting our needs met, then allow our wants to guide choices when we have them, and then see our cravings as a spiritual exercise we find ourselves settling into contentment.

What do I mean by “spiritual exercise” for craving?  By focusing on our needs first, we find ourselves truly focusing on our breath – a deeply spiritual exercise unto itself.  By noticing that our cravings are stirring up the pot we enter another level of spiritual awareness wherein we can see clearly how we are creating our own suffering and misery by devoting so much mental space to these things.  To what end, really?  Will acquiring these things truly make us happy?  Closely akin to any other addiction, typically the acquisition of that which we crave gives only a short, temporary reprieve to the agitation before it stirs up again.  Therein we see the nexus of our suffering is the agitation, itself.  To allow this to dissipate without taking it so seriously as “essential” is one of the greatest sources of relief we can find.

Best of all is when we find an authentic space inside of us in which we truly want what we have.  And come back to what we really need:  this breath.

Inner Focus

change Inner Value Mind-Body Healing mindfulness Pssibilities

There is so much conflict in the world right now. So many individuals with ideas of how things should be – with little to no interest, it seems, to hear an alternative narrative. With siloed sources of information and the rallying cries of support for one side only, we become immune to the humanity of those with an opposing view.

Paradoxically, coming to a place in which we can listen to one another requires learning to actually hear ourselves. Not with a harshness – but with a sense of honesty about our own vulnerability. Our own fear of loss – maybe even of our very own selves – as defined by our position. Fundamentally, the remedy to what ails us is to become more self-reflective. More aware of our own inner state. Many tell me they already know all about “mindfulness” – but I don’t see the evidence. It is the application beyond the intellectual understanding that will make a difference here.

This is challenging. Why? Because the racing thoughts of our anxious mind are addictive. Akin to a caffeine fix they can keep us stimulated and feeling alive. To sink back down into the wake of our boat’s movement can be frightening. Immediately the fears that have been chasing us in our pell-mell flight start to careen to the surface. The apparent evidence for our agitation immediately comes back to support our previous state.

Notice, notice – this breath. This moment. Right where you are. This is the difference between knowing about and applying mindfulness. Attending to the inner state can be disruptive. In the pause we discover our own contribution to the malady at hand. Yet, this is the essential first step in healing the addictive disruption of our times. Notice what you bring to the table – the the conversation. Notice the influence of your state of being.

Learning to pause. To stop. To take in the environment both around us and within us in any given circumstance is the prerequisite to make long-lasting and necessary change. We must know the actual circumstance with the precision of accuracy to know the actual proper next step in any situation. And to recognize our own self in all of this.

Let go of the idea of mindfulness as something you already know. Practice, practice.